Taking the terror out of terrorists with a little HOPE

the2scoops: Taking the terror out of terrorists since the minute he came out from under the covers and realized if the terrorists don't get him, the bird flu will...

A few friends were chatting with me the other day, and we put our heads together to figure out how to beat the threat of terrorism in the wake of terrorist arrests last week. Yes that's right, three regular Canadians were going to put an end to terrorism: piece of cake and a double-double.

I read that the terror suspects had allegedly planned to bomb the Peace Tower in Ottawa and storm Parliament, but those plans were dropped because these Central Ontario youths didn't know their way around Ottawa. How do you get lost in Ottawa? You can drive in any direction and you'll run into the Peace Tower (which seems to me to not be so much a tower as a steeple with a top). And if you don't find Parliament, that means you went too far and you end up in Hull, Quebec. Who is going to bomb Hull? Who would notice? Dammit get a Perly's. At least try Mapquest or even better, Google Maps (True that, double true.) Lazy terrorists.

Then I read they were going to storm the CBC Building in Toronto. The CBC Building is 10 stories, and each one is the size of four Canadian football fields. Furthermore, every one of those floors is so much of a psychotic grey and blue maze of hallways that even regular employees get lost on their way back from the bathroom. It would be funny if it weren't possible how armed screw-ups could get there shit together long enough to hurt innocent people.

One of the "enticements" to suicide bombers (and these attacks would have been suicide runs) is the promise of eternal paradise with 20 virgins - well, that's what CNN and Fox News tell us, so they must be right. We guessed al-Qaeda doesn't tell these kids that virgins have no experience and it was one of those ideas that sounded good on paper, but wasn't going to work out in the practical sense. ("OK baby, one more time, first we unhook the bra...no, try it, it's cool, all the girls do that...")

They have it all wrong... if we want these extremists to come to the "happy, no bombing, dig The Ramones and Parliament Funkadelic" side of society, here on the peaceful side of the fence that is more in line with Allah's teachings, we should convinve the terrorists that can have 20 hookers right now... they have lots of experience and no wait for paradise - the world can be there Champagne Room. We could implement a Hoes for Peace Endeavor - promise the extremist 20 loose women (or men, whatever gets you through the night) if they DON'T blow shit up and hurt people. We could call it H.O.P.E

Yes! And we could put all those Romanian strippers that come over here into the initiative we could start a red light district in Brampton and then advertise Brampton as the City of HOPE.

That's it folks, come out of hiding: HOPE is on the move!